Reflections on New Year’s Eve

In less than 2 hours the new year will arrive.  2020!  Hard to believe.  I am sitting on the couch listening to a concert of Stephen Sondheim music on PBS.  Such wonderful music.

Tonight I posted my Christmas photos on Facebook so my mind is on that time.  We drove to California to spend Christmas with my parents.  Since my dad’s hospital bed is now in the guest room, my husband and I stayed at a nearby Airbnb.  However, we spent most of each day at my parents’ home.

My 92-year-old dad has improved since I last saw him.  An aide (and sometimes my mom) gets him up every day and he makes his way around the house in his wheelchair.  He spends hours looking out the front window and enjoys the visits from deer and numerous turkeys.  Music plays on their old stereo most of the day.  When the mail arrives, my mom hands it and a letter opener to my dad and he opens and sorts it.

My mom has lost a lot of weight and she didn’t sit a lot while we were there.  She doesn’t want to admit that she is nearly 90 and laments what she can’t do.  They have lots of help from the VA and others, including my sisters.  I helped them get started with Meals on Wheels which is a tremendous help.

I forced discussions on the future which my mom doesn’t want to face.  They want to stay in their hope which I totally understand.  They want to be together.  Their family wants them to be safe.  This is so hard, watching parents decline.  My dad wants to walk again and he was getting there, relearning to use his walker with the help of a physical therapist.  But now his leg hurts and he can’t stand up.  He wants to be able to get in a car and go places. 

Clearly my parents are not done with this life.  They are mentally competent and make their own decisions.  One day I was going out shopping with my mom and sister.  I asked my dad if I could get something for him to give mom.  He said yes—a special gift and a card.  I found some lovely earrings.  Later, I gave him a card to sign and let him pick out the gift bag.  He asked how much he owed me.  A couple days later he told me there was an envelope on the table for me—it had the exact amount of cash inside.  My dad nods off a lot, but when he is fully awake, his mind is sharp.

I also bought my mom’s gift for my dad.  Although she still drives, it is hard for her to get out because she can’t leave him alone.  My dad wanted a large clock on the wall near is bed so that is what we bought.

I watched how my mom tenderly cares for my dad, putting his needs first.  He doesn’t take this for granted—he thanks her.  One night we were sitting in the living room.  The aide had put my dad to bed and left.  My mom was in the bedroom saying goodnight.  I heard “I love you” and “I love you too.”  My parents are still teaching me about love.

This is what is on my mind on this last day of the year.  Yes, of course there are other things I could reflect on.  Our country is in turmoil and my international church is about to split.  We are so divided.  I am ready to say goodbye to 2019.  I hope that 2020 is a better year for my family, my church, country, and our world.

Thanksgiving Thoughts

I have posted very little this year.  Why?  I guess it is because I have been overwhelmed by life and I just couldn’t find the words.  I did try to write a couple times but then I couldn’t share it.

Life can be crazy sometimes and all we can do is cope.  A little over a year ago my son-in-law disappeared for a few days.  When he returned we learned he’d had a mental break.  I flew to North Carolina to be with my daughter and grandson during this storm in their lives—and experienced an actual hurricane while there.  I flew back home while still sick with a 24-hour flu.

We spent Thanksgiving with my aging parents in California then flew to North Carolina to be with our daughters for Christmas.  Prior to leaving home we learned that my husband’s 95-year-old mother had suffered a brain bleed.  We received news of her death just after arriving at our daughter’s house.  A few days after that my mom called say my 91-year-old dad had fallen; we later learned that it was a stroke.  After Christmas our family drove down to Florida for my mother-in-law’s memorial service.

In February we took a family cruise so we stayed at my mother-in-law’s house before and after the trip.  The house seemed so empty without her there.  My husband stayed afterwards to help his sister clean out the house.  I flew home and a few days later I was diagnosed with pneumonia.  It hit me hard and it took a long time to recover.  In fact, the cough has lingered and I’ve learned I have mild lung damage.

In March my husband and I drove down to California to see my parents.  My 89-year-old mom was struggling to care for my dad who at this point was in a hospital bed at home.  My mom was having trouble getting help and was exhausted.  I spent the week cooking meals and stocking their freezer.  I returned home emotionally and physically exhausted.  In April our family traveled to Alexandria, Virginia, for my mother-in-law’s interment service.  She was buried next to her husband in a beautiful cemetery full of spring blossoms. 

Through all this I have continued to coordinate two interfaith groups, a committee at church, and more.  I am always busy. . . and often tired.

Today is Thanksgiving.  On Sunday our pastor spoke about whining.  She reminded us that the lamentations in Psalms always end in praise.  She handed out bracelets as a reminder that when we whine we need to think about what we are grateful for in our lives.  I am wearing one of those bracelets.

I am pondering all of this.  We were never promised a trouble-free life.  What we were promised is love; God is always present.  This I know and that is truly a blessing.

My daughter and her husband are back together and he is getting counseling.  We all miss my mother-in-law but we know that she lived a good, long life and was satisfied with that.  I would say that she was grateful.  My parents are doing okay.  They are finally getting help from the VA and from other sources.  I am grateful. 

Me?  I am dealing with my various medical issues and I know that I am doing much better than others my age.  I have learned a lot about myself this past year.  I am grateful.

I am thankful for all the wonderful people in my life—family and friends, church people, interfaith connections, community activists, and more.  God is in the connections with all these people.  What is my role?  I am learning that there is only so much that we can actually do when someone else is hurting.  I think I am learning the importance of simply being present.  To listen.  To connect.  And to always share the love that is God.

Tall grass sways with wind

The river flows swiftly by

God is within all

Time to Take Down the Christmas Tree

I am sitting and enjoying the quiet of my bedroom.  It is the twelfth day of Christmas and our house is still decorated.  Tomorrow is Epiphany but I am reluctant to take the decorations down.  When I look at them they bring me peace, a peace I desperately need right now.

We flew home on New Year’s Day after spending the holidays with family.  I traveled with the beginning of a cold, a gift from my daughter.  I cancelled the few things I had scheduled and stayed home the past four days.  I lost my voice and couldn’t talk at all for a couple days.  I think that contributed to me pulling inward, reflecting, and also mourning.

Just after we arrived in North Carolina we got word that my 95-year-old mother-in-law had died from the stroke she had suffered the week before.  We had all thought that this amazing woman might make it to 100.  The day after her stroke she rallied, sat up, ate lunch, and talked to people.  However, the next day she was unconscious and her daughter took her home to die in familiar surroundings.  Eight of us drove down to Florida for the service, to celebrate a life well-lived.  She leaves a hole that cannot be filled; we have to learn to walk around it.  It is filled with sweet memories.

My own parents are struggling after my dad suffered some sort of stroke.  They live alone in their own home but clearly my dad cannot stay there.  My sisters are dealing with this, far away from me.  It’s hard.

It is easy to be melancholy with all the sadness.  It is dark and cold outside.  I am lacking energy because I am sick.  I turn on the news and I only feel worse—the government is shut down, the stock market has plummeted, and our president keeps twittering lies and absurdities.  Our bank account is down to almost nothing.  Our very conservative Idaho Legislature is returning next week.  What will they inflict on us or refuse to do next?  I could go on but it is depressing.  I think I need my Christmas decorations.

Yet through all of the sadness I still have hope.  I know God is with me and with all of us.  I feel it. .. and I see it.  Where?

I experienced hope as I spent time with my young grandson.  He is a bright spot in the lives of everyone around him, even during his meltdowns.  My favorite time was when we made cookies together, at his request.  At age 3, he is so open and full of questions.  He knows his mimi is in heaven with their dog, Bridgett.  Is that in Texas?  His parents, my daughter and son-in-law had a rough few months and were separated for a while.  They are back together and trying to make it work.  It won’t be easy, but I have hope as I watch them.  My younger daughter is in a slowly budding relationship.  Will they marry?  I don’t know, but I see the tender way they interact and it brings me joy.  The time we spent together as family, celebrating the holidays and in mourning, was precious.

I sat in frustration this morning thinking about politics, both local and national, and the organizing I need to do.  In my devotion time I was reminded about Jesus, the rebel who stood up for justice for the poor and oppressed.  I have a good example.  Certainly I can rally myself and others to work for change here.  Maybe we can even Add the Words (sexual orientation and gender identity to the Idaho Human Rights Act).  On Thursday we got a new Congress; the House is the most diverse it has ever been with more minorities and 89 women!  This gives me hope.

So tomorrow I’ll take down those Christmas decorations and prepare for the week ahead.  I’ll call my parents and my daughters.  And then I’ll start organizing to help make my part of the world a bit better.  I have hope.