Finding Peace at the River

Once again, I am sitting next to the Salmon River in my favorite campground.  It has been two years since we’ve been here.  Last year the campground was full; today it is nearly empty.  I have seen more people floating by on the river than I have seen on the shore.

While sitting here in prayer, a favorite song popped into my head.  It begins “Peace I ask of thee oh river, peace, peace, peace. . .”  Yes, that is what I am seeking—peace.  It seems like everything is in turmoil.  I don’t feel like elaborating except to say that I lost my dad at the end of January, and we celebrated his life just a couple weeks ago.  Perhaps I will write about that later.

Most of my sadness is from what is going on around me, in my country and in the world.  It’s a collective sadness, I think.  What affects one, affects us all.  We are all one.

Instead of dwelling on sadness, I am looking for hope, for something positive.  How do I/we move forward?

Here in the natural world, there is none of that grief.  The river washes over rocks that have been here for many years.  I hear melodious bird songs.  An osprey flew by earlier.  I see bright yellow wildflowers blooming on the other side of the river.  Dragonflies dance by.  The pine trees provide shade from the intense sunlight.  I find the sound of the river calming.

Where is God in all this?  I know that God is present in all creation.  I can feel this presence with me in the silence.  What lessons can I find here in this river that flows unceasingly?  I know that there are no easy answers, but I can find joy in the peace of this place.

Written on 7/6/22

Where is Hope?

I have not written here since June of 2021.  Most years I have written a message of hope as the year begins, but not this year.  The words don’t come.  However, I think it is time to find the words to express what I am feeling.

I know I am not alone in how I feel.  We are closing in on two years of this pandemic.  Two years!  And here we are spiking again with another COVID variant.  We are pulling back in once more.  I have set aside my cloth masks because now they are not good enough.  We need to figure out what respirator masks to order on Amazon.  Which ones are fakes and which ones will protect us?  This week I stopped going to the YMCA—again—because I no longer feel safe there.  But how will I get sufficient exercise at home in the middle of winter?  How much will my health suffer?

How do I find hope as we begin this new year?  I am angry!  My husband and I, my family, and many of the people I know have done everything we can to protect ourselves and to stop the spread of this virus in our community.  We have been vaccinated, gotten our boosters, and wear masks when we are close to others.  Meanwhile, a large number of our fellow citizens scoff at science and act like we’re not in a pandemic.  These unvaccinated people spread the virus and fill up the ICUs in our hospitals.  Last fall, Idaho hospitals were under crisis standards of care, and it looks like that will happen again soon.  These people scream about their rights when asked to simply wear a mask (something children easily do).  They spread disinformation about the vaccines.  My rights!!  Me, me, me!  What about the rest of us?  Our rights?  Our lives?  Some of these same people spread lies and disinformation about politics.  I worry about our country.  We are so divided.  Will our democracy even survive?

Recently, my church women’s circle met on Zoom.  We were asked what our plans are for this year.  Plans?  We didn’t have much to share.  How do you make plans right now?  If you do, you have to be prepared to cancel or postpone them.  It is so frustrating.  We had planned to do some travel these past couple of years, but COVID changed that.  Will we get a vacation this year?  I don’t know.  As I write, I know I am speaking as a person of privilege.  I am retired and I have a comfortable home to live in for which I am truly grateful.  But things didn’t have to be this way.

This past year has not been a total loss.  The best times were with my family.  My little granddaughter is growing and adorable.  I love watching her on FaceTime.  My grandson started kindergarten and is trying new things.  Today on FaceTime I got to see what he learned at his Irish dance class.  After a year delay, my younger daughter finally got married.  The ceremony was outside in a lovely setting.  Tears came as I watched them speak the vows that they wrote to each other—such tender love.   Their wedding day was beautiful and nearly perfect.

As this year is beginning, I am trying to figure out how to move forward.  It is hard to plan anything or to even get people to answer emails or phone calls.  I have leadership roles in a number of things, and I don’t know what to do.  How do I lead in a positive manner when I don’t feel positive?  How do I move forward in my own life when everything is topsy turvy?  Like many others, I am tired of Zoom, and I want to meet face to face.  I am an extrovert, and a computer screen doesn’t cut it.  You can’t hug a screen.

At this point in a blog, I would normally end on a positive note, with hope.  To be honest, I can’t do that right now and I don’t think that’s a bad thing.  I can no longer hide my feelings.  I must admit I’m depressed.  I need to acknowledge and sort through my feelings.  I am leaning into my faith which is where I find strength.  I want to get to hope, but I know it will take time.