I have
not written here since June of 2021.
Most years I have written a message of hope as the year begins, but not
this year. The words don’t come. However, I think it is time to find the words
to express what I am feeling.
I know I
am not alone in how I feel. We are
closing in on two years of this pandemic.
Two years! And here we are
spiking again with another COVID variant.
We are pulling back in once more.
I have set aside my cloth masks because now they are not good
enough. We need to figure out what
respirator masks to order on Amazon.
Which ones are fakes and which ones will protect us? This week I stopped going to the
YMCA—again—because I no longer feel safe there.
But how will I get sufficient exercise at home in the middle of
winter? How much will my health suffer?
How do I
find hope as we begin this new year? I
am angry! My husband and I, my family,
and many of the people I know have done everything we can to protect ourselves
and to stop the spread of this virus in our community. We have been vaccinated, gotten our boosters,
and wear masks when we are close to others.
Meanwhile, a large number of our fellow citizens scoff at science and
act like we’re not in a pandemic. These
unvaccinated people spread the virus and fill up the ICUs in our
hospitals. Last fall, Idaho hospitals
were under crisis standards of care, and it looks like that will happen again
soon. These people scream about their
rights when asked to simply wear a mask (something children easily do). They spread disinformation about the
vaccines. My rights!! Me, me, me!
What about the rest of us? Our
rights? Our lives? Some of these same people spread lies and
disinformation about politics. I worry
about our country. We are so divided. Will our democracy even survive?
Recently,
my church women’s circle met on Zoom. We
were asked what our plans are for this year.
Plans? We didn’t have much to
share. How do you make plans right
now? If you do, you have to be prepared
to cancel or postpone them. It is so
frustrating. We had planned to do some
travel these past couple of years, but COVID changed that. Will we get a vacation this year? I don’t know.
As I write, I know I am speaking as a person of privilege. I am retired and I have a comfortable home to
live in for which I am truly grateful.
But things didn’t have to be this way.
This
past year has not been a total loss. The
best times were with my family. My
little granddaughter is growing and adorable.
I love watching her on FaceTime.
My grandson started kindergarten and is trying new things. Today on FaceTime I got to see what he
learned at his Irish dance class. After
a year delay, my younger daughter finally got married. The ceremony was outside in a lovely
setting. Tears came as I watched them
speak the vows that they wrote to each other—such tender love. Their wedding day was beautiful and nearly
perfect.
As this
year is beginning, I am trying to figure out how to move forward. It is hard to plan anything or to even get
people to answer emails or phone calls.
I have leadership roles in a number of things, and I don’t know what to
do. How do I lead in a positive manner
when I don’t feel positive? How do I
move forward in my own life when everything is topsy turvy? Like many others, I am tired of Zoom, and I
want to meet face to face. I am an extrovert,
and a computer screen doesn’t cut it.
You can’t hug a screen.
At this
point in a blog, I would normally end on a positive note, with hope. To be honest, I can’t do that right now and I
don’t think that’s a bad thing. I can no
longer hide my feelings. I must admit I’m
depressed. I need to acknowledge and
sort through my feelings. I am leaning
into my faith which is where I find strength.
I want to get to hope, but I know it will take time.
