Waiting

This past week I came to the realization that I am not so good at waiting.  I think I am not alone.

My doctor sent me to get an x-ray since I’ve had a cough for 3 months.  He left me a message later in the day saying that he didn’t want to worry me, but that the x-ray showed a dark shadow in my lung tissue.  His nurse called later with an appointment for a CT scan the next morning.

Don’t worry?!?  Oh my gosh.  I was imagining all sorts of things.  Could it be lung cancer?  I’ve never smoked but neither did my friend’s sister who recently died from that horrible disease.  I waited for a call all day but the phone didn’t ring.  I tried to go about my normal activities but I was anxious, unable to concentrate—probably made worse by the prednisone I was taking.  I was caught up in the waiting—not really functioning well—just waiting.  Will I end up in the hospital or is it nothing at all?  Don’t worry?!

Finally, the phone call came the next morning.  The nurse, in a rather cheerful voice, told me that I have a “bit of pneumonia” which of course is much better than some of the other possibilities.  Who would have thought I’d be relieved to have pneumonia?

I discussed the waiting with others, both on Facebook and in person.  People mentioned their distress in waiting for the results of a medical test or a biopsy.  Then a couple of friends stated that they had been waiting all their lives; younger people worry this could happen to them.  One friend is an actress in New York City—she has been waiting for her big break for decades.  My younger daughter, one of the young adults who has been trampled by our economic downturn, is waiting for her life to begin—waiting to be truly an adult and on her own.  And me?  I’m waiting to hear about a couple of job applications—waiting for what I’ll do next.

Waiting is hard.  What makes it so difficult is that the results are usually out of our control.  We’ve done all we can do and all there is left to do is wait.  And wait.  And all I can really do is pray for a little patience and calm while I do the required waiting.